Written Friday, August 15th into Saturday the 16th at Pennsic:
Frequently lately I’ve been wondering what’s wrong with me. Face like a mack truck? Body like a lumpy bag of potatoes? Personality like an insane ogre on acid?
Sometimes I progress into wondering what the hell is wrong with other people. I hit the zone of wondering what about me that I know is wonderful isn’t being seen by people that I take interest in.
I mean, despite what seems to be popular opinion, I am very selective in my interest, and extremely shy and reticent about expressing that interest. I suppose it’s a desire to avoid being hurt. The need to close off that supposed wonderful part to keep it bright and clear despite the murk and clouds infusing my soul-self.
And then I focus back on myself. I sit back and cut myself into parts – my butt is too big, my chest is too flabby, my gut is too squishy. Or the worst – I’m fat, ugly, stupid, uninteresting, unsexy. How could anyone possibly care about someone like me? Find me interesting enough.
Or am I coming on too strong? I’m scaring people off. No one wants some desperate, psychotic, ugly weirdo chasing them screaming “Love me I’m cute!”
But then – why do so many people tell me that I’m beautiful? Are THEY desperate, or are they just being nice? And why, when I look in the mirror do I sometimes see the shy, ugly duckling I thought I’d grown out of – sometimes a beautiful, confident woman?
Is it just that the ones, the few I take interest in see only the duckling, ungraceful and ungainly? Do only my friends see beauty, and care, and charisma that I have fought for, ached for, cried for?
It is unfair that, such as I like to believe of myself should be alone and unwanted in an atmosphere of warmth and acceptance. So often I feel the outsider in a sea of couples – marriages – families. And it leaves me feeling bereft and alone. Struck to the heart by such wanton – flagrant disregard.
I suppose I’m lonely. I’m sick of second fiddle – I’m a first row, first chair damn it! Take me for who I am or get the hell out of my way.